I look better un-naked...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
