So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
