fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
