If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
