1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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