is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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