You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
