I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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