I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
