Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
