rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Randomize
