i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I supernannyed him into submission
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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