I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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