If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
