3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
