fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
