Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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