can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
false alarm. still invincible.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
