i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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