just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
