dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
