i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
