Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
