someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
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