When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
