Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
