Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize