I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
