I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
