dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
