Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
