I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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