i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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