Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
