Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
