so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
