Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
