hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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