I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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