Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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