I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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