i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Randomize
