can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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