you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
