I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
