Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
