Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
