I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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