I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
