i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
