I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
