you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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