I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
pop tarts are not kleenex
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
oh god was she eating orange peels again
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
