so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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