Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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