fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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