Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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