Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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