i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
