his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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