Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
