So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
